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Short Jokes
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Drumsticks
A cousin of mine, living out in the country in mid-southern
Mississippi, cross-bred some chickens so that they would have six
legs. This would triple the number of drumsticks! Only hitch is that
no one has been able to catch one of them, so, we don't know how the
drumsticks will taste.
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Step aside, I know first Aid
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole,
several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first
to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step
aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said, "but when you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm right here."
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Grandma's Idea
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist
down.
"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below
the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's
idea."
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Elementary, my Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their
tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful
friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot,
someone has stolen our tent!"
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Airsick
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops
down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy
starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to
ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and
so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to
decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and
pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy
wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
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Seafarers
John and Tim, determined to see the world, signed on a Norwegian
freighter as deck hands.
They were being trained as helmsmen, and John's first lesson was given
by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was
holding the heading he had been given, when the mate ordered, "Come
starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard was, John left the
helm and walked over to his instructor.
The mate had an incredulous look on his face as the helm swung freely,
but he merely asked politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
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Price Check
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she
finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on
lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that weren't bad enough, the person looking for the price
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you
want the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you pound in
with a hammer?"
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Railroad
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in
the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know
what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the
tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some
bruises.
After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house
attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea
kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had
happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea
kettle?"
The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."
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Cutting in Line
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some
advertising in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line
that formed by 8:30am, the store's opening time, in front of the
store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed
back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he
was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then
thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the
line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the
store!"
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